Broken Heart

I hope she breaks your heart the way you broke mine, 
That she drags things on and wastes your time. 
May her lips kiss your smug little face 
May she wrap you in her tender embrace... 
But most of all.... 
I hope she puts you in your place. 

Tell her all of your secrets and your thoughts, 
Give it your all and take every shot. 
When she talks to other guys may you be
Jealous, annoyed and slightly angry. 
But most of all... 
You have to set her free. 

When she enters your apartment's trench 
May she be turned away by the incredible stench
Of your foolishness and immaturity,
And through her senses she will see. 
But most of all... 
She'll be happy as can be. 

For when she's done with you
You'll get a glimpse of what you put me through. 
So plan your dates, wedding and future right. 
Forget about your care and strife. 
But most of all... 
She will get a life
And she will never be your wife. 

Just Stop Looking

You've been single for a few years now. The rest of your friends are either happily married, newly engaged, expecting baby number 2, or flitting from relationship to relationship as if they were putting on a fresh coat of nail polish. No one seems to know exactly what you are going through because no one seems to be in the same situation in their life. 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. 

"I wish I had the freedom like you to travel where ever I want, and to hang out with my friends whenever I want."

I couldn't tell you how many times I have heard the above statement. My married friends with children envy the single life and the fact that I have time to hang out with my friends and do the fun things that they can no longer do. I would like to respond with a few fun facts for them: 

Fact #1: I can't travel where ever I want to. I want to see all of Canada, New York, Boston, Vegas, England, Scotland, Ireland, Thailand, Australia and parts of Africa. Travelling to all of these places takes a lot of money, which I don't have. I do have a good job, but my hours fluctuate and I have no set full-time schedule. I am single and have to pay all of my bills by myself. When student loan, car payment, insurance payment, groceries, cable and cell phone bills, health insurance, benefit payments are paid, there isn't a lot of extra spending money. I find myself just wishing I had enough money to go to Moncton for a week. 

Fact # 2: I can't hang out with my friends whenever I want. Most of my friends are either married, have kids, or a different work schedule (i.e. Monday 9-5). The only time they can hang out is on weekends or when they have a sitter. So yes, I do get to hang out when I want, but it is usually just with me. 

Fact # 3: Freedom is no fun unless you have someone to share it with. 

I am not throwing myself a pity party, just trying to dispute a few myths that married people think about single people. They should already know these are myths because they were single once themselves. 

"Just stop looking and he will find you," I have been told time and time again. I can also dispute this quote as a fraudulent one, because after I got my heart broken last year, I decided I was never going to look again. It has almost been 11 months and I haven't had a single date. Not even one respectable man has shown interest in me. How pathetic is that? 

So, is it "Stop looking and he will find you,"? 

Or do you have to put yourself out there if you want to get noticed? 

I've heard both of these pieces of information, and neither seems to work for me. Either way, at this point I don't really care. I have hashed it out many times with myself and with the few friends I have that will listen to me. I'm afraid I am going to drive them away with how miserable I am. 

Perhaps the best advice for me would be "Just Stop Complaining". 

On-line Dating

A friend of mine asked me recently if I had ever tried on-line dating. Of course I have! Anyone as desperate as me to get a husband will try just about anything. (I'm not exactly proud of that) 

Here's some of my issues/frustrations with on-line dating:

 Almost every guy on a dating site claims to be 6'. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but a little honesty goes a long way, and height isn't something worth lying about. 

On Christian dating sites, guys will state that the most important quality in a woman is her faith and relationship with Christ. This is clearly not true, because my profile states that as the most important thing too, and any guy who really believed that would try to contact me...and very few of this type of guy ever contacts me. 

Contact etiquette-- Who is supposed to send the first message? I am an old-fashioned girl and like to be asked out first, so my tactic is to "view" profiles that I find interesting, in hopes that one of the profilers I have viewed will find me attractive or endearing enough to message me back. This rarely works. 

Some of the guys that sound so perfect for me live in the US or overseas. Why don't any of them live close by? I'm not opposed to re-locating if that is what God has planned for me, but it makes it hard to plan a first date when one's passport is required to get to said date. 

The term "Christian" is thrown around very loosely on on-line dating sites. For some people, the term Christian means "Drinking and partying only once in awhile, not on a daily basis, like seriously just once a week. That's it."  The word Christian on a dating site can also be defined as a person that attends church on Easter and Christmas. Or, one of my favourite quotes: "I believe in God, but I don't let that belief define my life or affect me." 

I have received several matches on dating sites for 25 year old men that are divorced and on the market again. The fact that someone is 25 and ALREADY divorced is a huge red flag. Personally, I believe no one should be married before age 25 as most people don't know what they want until they are that age and really don't have a clue how to treat a person in a marriage relationship. How does one know what they want in life if they never have to experience it on their own first? I know no one is perfect and divorces do happen as often in Christian marriages as they do in other marriages. That being said, what could be so terrible that early on in marriage that someone decides to give up before they even turn 25? A 25 year old divorcee to me is either a sign of immaturity and indecision, or someone who was cheated on or abused. At any rate, most people are too young to be married before age 25, let alone divorced. 

Last but not least (give me time, I could think of more complaints with on-line dating), people are flawed and they often lie to get what they want. I could state that I have a very thin and sculpted body, and was once offered a modelling career, but that would be a lie. 

A guy could pretend to be a Christian, but does that mean he is?  If he will lie about his height, his income, and his interests, there's no telling what else he will lie about. 

& when we make plans will he even show up? Or is this some sick game he is playing? 

I hate on-line dating!! 

I really hate dating of any kind. If I could skip right to the marriage I think I would be fine with that.  Problem solved! 

Birthdays

Well, it's another birthday for me. I won't get into ages here, but I am going to remain 25 for the next few years, if anyone asks. 25 is a good solid age, you are considered an adult, but still considered young at the same time. Anything older than that is pushing 30 and that frightens me a bit. So 25 it is !

I have finally started logging my calories again. I have good intentions of sticking to my calorie goals even over the next 2 days with the birthday celebrations. I've asked Mom not to make me a cake because I fear I might eat it all. She makes the BEST cake in the universe, and if you disagree, you haven't tried it yet. 

A friend of mine just had her first baby today...just a few hours before my birthday. Interesting...the baby has no name yet but its a girl. 

Two friends of mine are getting married on May 18th. 

Three of my friends are pregnant with baby number three. 

And I'm sitting here blogging. As you can see, there is still nothing major going on in my life, but I have my family, my health and my career and I have faith in God, who has provided me with these things. 

I never experienced a teenage pregnancy, a physically abusive relationship, or a major health crisis. I live in a first world country and in an age of many technological advances. There are so many opportunities for women like me to become educated, fulfilled and even rich! 

Perhaps there is a rich millionaire bachelor in my future. One never knows... a girl can dream right? 

I'm not that shallow. I have never prayed for a wealthy husband or for great riches for myself. I have only prayed that God would supply all my needs. So far he has supplied all of them but one. And I think that last need is on its way to being met. It's just not HIS time. 

Valentine's Day 2013

Happy Valentine's Day! Once again I feel that this holiday (for lack of a better word) is exploiting the singles, and exposing them for what they really are: alone. We are the walking wounded, and all we do is complain about the fact that no one loves us on Valentine's Day or any other day of the year. What gets me the most is that two years ago I posted a blog entry on Valentine's Day and I vowed that I wouldn't be single the next year; that I couldn't handle another night alone watching pathetic chick flicks and eating ice cream until my guts explode.  Two years later, I am still single.

Today I am suffering from paranoia. When a guy breaks my heart or dumps me, I smile and pretend that it doesn't bother me. I even wish them well on the outside, but on the inside I am praying, "Please don't let them get a girlfriend until I get a boyfriend!" Don't pretend you haven't wished the same thing.  :)

I have a sneaking suspicion that a guy who recently broke my heart is in the midst of entering a new relationship. I have been paranoid about this for awhile, and most of the time I don't think about it because I'm too busy with life in general. But today, those thoughts of doom keep creeping back. I know that if he gets a girlfriend that the real problem was me, and not the fact that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. 
Is any of this making sense? It all makes sense in my own mind but as I type it, it starts to sound ridiculous. 

Every time I pray I beg and plead of God that he sends me someone soon. It sounds like a load of hogwash but I don't think I can live as a single much longer. The longer I am single the more I crave a relationship. I'm not cut out for the single life, and I have the same needs that every woman has. We crave adult relationships, and I don't think that is wrong. If God didn't intend for us to be married, then why bother with creating Adam and Eve? He definitely had some sort of a plan there. 

Today I'm going to list all of the positive things about being single so that I feel better about myself. Maybe this list will enlighten others as well.

  1. Any money I earn is mine, all mine! It might not be much, but it's mine. Except for the tithing, which in all honesty I forget to do sometimes.  

2. I can go out for coffee, to the gym, or a road trip at pretty much the drop of a hat if I want to. 

3. I can hang out with male friends without anyone questioning my motives. 

4. I can buy a new outfit or make a career change without consulting with anyone over finances first. 

5. I can learn to rely on God more. I think if I was married I would be turning to my husband with my problems first before handing them over to God. This is a major benefit to being single. 

So there you have it. There is always a bright side to things..this is not to say that I wouldn't jump at the chance to get married if God sets a decent and mature Christian man in my path. I would give up numbers 1-4 for some "true" love when the time comes. 

God's Gift to Women

Greetings to all who read this post. I'm sure the number of readers is unsubstantial in the grand scheme of things, but I thank you for your time nonetheless. :) 

I've been avoiding any discussion of weight loss because I have been ashamed of myself lately, and there has been so much more going on in my life. I am back on track with healthy eating and exercise, but I have 5 pounds left to lose until I reach my lowest weight since I started my journey. I have good faith that I can lose the 5 pounds in a couple of weeks and continue to become even healthier in the days ahead. 

The title of this post is a strange one, but the thought came to my mind when I was considering the few single Christian men that I know. I believe that many of them are under the impression that they are God's gift to women and that none of the Christian girls are good enough for them. 

I've heard it so many times. "There are just no Christian girls that turn my head." This is because a decent girl is usually covered with clothing, not exposed to turn heads.  

I DESPISE it when guys play the God card when they reject girls, as if by telling us that we aren't part of God's plan for them is somehow going to soften the blow of heartache. 

Listen up! If you are really that concerned with God's will then perhaps you can stop cracking the dirty jokes, the swearing, and give up the pornographic videos. If you can't do that, then at least try being kind once in awhile. Then the whole, "I'm just waiting for God's perfect choice for me," will hold more meaning.  

A girl can tell when a guy is truly seeking God's will. Knowing that he is a man after God's own heart comes from the way he conducts himself on a daily basis, not by how Biblical he can make a breakup or a rejection sound. 

My prayer is that I meet someone some day that actually means what he says; that he is seeking God's will for his life. I do believe God has someone out there for each woman that desires in her heart to be married. Maybe his plans for my life are so wonderful that finding the right guy for me takes more time. All I know is that I will be perfectly content and over-the-moon happy when I finally find the guy I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. 

Hollywood vs. Reality

Christmas is just around the corner. Seriously...it is just a little over a month away. I found this photo of a cutesy couple (probably actors) making out in a car covered in fake snow. Just thought I would share. For some reason I really like the photo but it goes against everything I stand for. Although I've always been a fan of kissing in cars during the winter time, I don't like couples that are phony, and I don't like the Hollywood style of staged romance where everything just falls into place and everyone lives happily ever after. 
They should make movies about the stay-at-home Mom with four kids all under age 10 who are struggling just to make it through the day. Or better yet the working woman who has to juggle careers and children. In this day and age women are expected to do it all. It's not just the husband that has to be the bread-winner any more. 
But Hollywood never tells you these things.Hollywood's version of love and marriage is all about romanticism and sex. Which are all well and good, but they don't put food on the table or pay bills. They don't make a marriage last. I fear a lot of people are getting married just for those two reasons and these people are in for a rude awakening. 
A real marriage should be founded above all on Christ. Marriage takes commitment, effort, hard work, sacrifice, mutual respect, shared values, shared goals and dreams. When you are considering a man or woman for marriage, you should ask yourself these questions: 

"Is there mutual attraction?" (This is a no-brainer because no one is going to date someone they aren't attracted to. There has to be something special in the beginning that draws you to someone else. This doesn't mean that the girl has to look like a super model or the guy has to be ripped. There are plenty of attractive qualities in the average looking person. When you fall in love, the person will be beautiful to you regardless.)
"Is he someone that I can spend the rest of my life with?" (This question is very important. If you find yourself getting bored of him already, things aren't going to get any better) 
"Does she respect me the way I want to be respected?"  (Men need to feel that they are respected and they don't like to be embarrassed in front of their friends, so don't do that)
"Is he/she a Bible-believing Christian that loves God?"   (If you are a Christian ask this question, if not it doesn't apply)
"How does he/she treat family members of the opposite sex?" 
(If he can't respect his mother and sisters he won't respect you. Mind you, you want the guy to be somewhat independent of his mother.) 
"Do we both want the same things out of life?"  (If you really want to have children and the other party doesn't want to, then you might want to reconsider, because offspring are one of those important decisions) 
"How do we communicate?"  (Communication is one of the most important things on the list.  In an ideal world, men would be able to read women like a book, but they can't. When you have a problem or issue that you want to discuss, or if someone has hurt your feelings, the best thing is to talk about it. If you have to write your problems down on paper in order to convey them properly, that is fine too. Any and all areas of a relationship need to be discussed between a man and a woman before they get married. If you are too shy to discuss something with your significant other, there could be some issues that need to be resolved before the wedding. What makes people think that having a ring on their finger is going to make communicating easier. A simple solution to this problem is to put down all smartphones for a day and actually force yourself to communicate face-to-face, eye-ball to eye-ball, just like people did in the olden days. When the divorce rate was surprisingly lower.) 
Finally, I believe that when you find the right person you should be able to enjoy sitting with them in private and have a conversation that is almost as stimulating as anything physical that might happen with a couple. Kissing is great, but conversations are good for the mind and soul and help you get to know a person better. 

So you might wonder why a single 26 year old woman is writing a blog entry on some of the keys to a successful relationship/marriage. 

I have been around the block enough to know what I don't want in a husband. I've been single long enough to conjure up who I want and I am smart enough to know that waiting for the right person is better than being unhappily married. 

I know a thing or two about what makes marriages fail. I have seen it in my friends and peers. People get married for the wrong reasons, or they get married too young before they even know what they are looking for. People don't communicate their needs enough. 

And most importantly, people don't pray about it. God knows how much you want to get married (if you do) and he will provide a husband/wife for those who truly love him and trust him. 

 It's also important to seek guidance from elders. (Never thought I'd see the day when I said that, but it's true) Ask questions from the people who have either had successful marriages, or who have been divorced. There is something to be learned even from those who have made mistakes. So when you are given advice that sounds even remotely reasonable, don't shrug it off. 

So, instead of wishing and hoping for that Hollywood romance, pray that God will give you your hearts desires in a sensible way. One never knows the good things he has in store for his children. ~

Depths of Despair

Do you ever feel like you are in the depths of despair? I know it sounds a bit dramatic. But we all have those days when it just feels like nothing is going right in our life.
Today is one of those days.
I have been so emotional today. I just finished working three 12 hour day shifts, and I'm exhausted. I wore my old sneakers to work the last three days and they killed my feet. I tried to get ahead of myself by finishing  5 Biology essay/assignments in one week. Upon printing these assignments today, I discover that assignment 5 is missing the last page of the essay. How frustrating! It's minor, but wasn't a good way to start the day.
Then for some reason, all I could think for the remainder of the day were negative thoughts.
I just feel like crying. I feel so alone right now. Some days I don't think of it, but whenever I do, I just want to hibernate in my bed and never leave.
Getting up in the morning is such a chore. Going to work and coming home to sleep alone in a cold bed is getting so old. By the time I find true love I'll be too old to enjoy it.
It sounds like I'm complaining, but really I'm just venting. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Your Heart Will Know

They say when the right one comes along, your heart will know. Is this some kind of sentimental rubbish? The heart is a hollow, pump like organ located in the chest between the lungs. Its various functions include pumping oxygen through veins and throughout the body. Without a heart, it would be difficult, dare I say impossible to live. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that God gave me a heart and it has its specific place in the daily function of our bodies. I just don't understand what the heart has to do with finding that special someone. 
Four years ago, I made an agreement with myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall for anyone. I told myself that when the right guy came along, he would pursue me and that I would know. The purpose of this agreement was so that I didn't allow myself to get hurt like I have many times in the past. I was doing just fine for those four years. Yes, it was a bit frustrating having no options and no one that I took interest in, but I assumed that was God's way of protecting my "heart" from another upset, like I had asked him to. 
Four years.. during this time I went on a date, with one or two guys. I could tell from what I knew about these guys and how we interacted that none of them could have been "the one" God had for me. There was something missing. When you live in a town like Yarmouth where there are very few unmarried Christian men, you have to take the opportunities to date when you can. 
So for years I went on living my life, pretending to be content as a single person. I told people that is where God wanted me at that point in time, despite being reminded by some of my friends that my biological clock was ticking and that I need to enjoy being in love while I am young. Most of the advice I received from my young peers was not Godly advice. I know they meant well and just wanted me to find happiness like they had, but praying for me would have gone a lot farther than the constant harping and the questions "Haven't you got a man yet?" 
Of course I want to be in love. No girl dreams that some day when she is a grown up, she will be alone, never married, no children, feeling like she has no place in this world and no value; finding herself at a standstill, waiting for some unknown reason for her most earnest prayer to be answered.  
This year, I thought God had finally answered my prayer. I met a really great guy over the summer, and for a month after meeting him, we communicated almost on a daily basis. I was very excited because he was so nice and such a good Christian. He was so different from any guy I had ever met. I didn't think a guy would spend that much time talking to me unless he liked me. At least, it had never happened that way in the past. Like a fool I let myself think there was something there, but in reality my feelings were unrequited. To make a long story short we are no longer speaking. But I am sure some day he will meet someone that deserves a guy like him. Why wouldn't he want to wait for the best thing anyway? I can't begrudge him that. 
I was starting to think God was just playing games. Like he was dangling something in front of me just to yank it away. "Whoops, just kidding. You can't be happy after all."  
Then I thought to myself, "You can't blame God for this because that is just stupid." 
My thoughts are strange and random. 
What last summer taught me was that I really need to be sure of where my relationships are going before I let my head or my heart, whatever it is... get carried away. I can't waste time getting to know someone unless they are going to be upfront with me from the start. Somewhere out there is the guy for me, and when God decides to reveal whoever he is, I need to be ready. I'm hoping that when that time comes, things will just fall into place. I don't want to have to do all of the work. I need God to take care of things. My hope and my prayer is that he will. & soon!! ;)

Quote of the day: ~Sometimes what seems to be human rejection is actually God's protection~ (anonymous but I love it)

What Matters Most?

Today is a struggle. I find myself thinking, is there anyone out there that really likes me? I mean, of course there are family members like Mom and Dad that are obligated to like me. 
 I have friends that will go for months without talking to me and then expect to be able to pick up where we left off. I understand that we all live busy lives, but they aren't any busier than I am. I have work, school, church and extracurricular activities to keep me going. On top of all that, trying to lose weight is no picnic. (more on this later)  
We all have those friends, and we are happy that they have found Mr. Right, married and had children, bought houses, and moved on with their lives making the rest of us feel like inferior idiots because ten years have passed since high school and nothing has really changed for us.
 I really want nothing more for my friends than to be happy. But they were my friends before their life "rocked"...so to speak. We share the ups and downs of the single life, laugh and cry together, pray together, and send the occasional note of encouragement. We stand next to them in their weddings wearing the dresses that they chose for THEIR vision, and still have to pay for them. (They say the dresses can be shortened and wore again but we know that's just a ploy) They have one, maybe two, or even three children. & there I sit, barren and alone, waiting for a chance to even go on a date with a decent guy that has two clues about life and how to treat women. All I've wanted from the time I turned 18 was the chance to get married. It was once predicted by one of my friends that I would be the first of our group to get married, but it's looking like I will be the last. I guess the joke is on me. Where are my married friends now? Do they care about me? Do they still pray for me like they always promised they would?    
Which brings me to another question "What Matters Most?"  
Am I supposed to try to find my own husband? And if so, how do I go about doing it. I've lost a significant amount of weight, and I am not even close to skinny, but I don't perceive myself to be a hideous looking person. 
I am usually kind to everyone. Does kindness matter though? Is that even something that guys care about when they look for a wife? 
I pray constantly that God will send me the right person, reminding him that I am getting older and running out of time to have children. "God you say children are a blessing right? Don't you want me to be blessed? Are you punishing me by withholding from me the one thing that I want most?" 
I will admit, the tone of my prayer is not always right, or trusting.
I've been trying to trust in God. I've trusted in him for the past five years, and believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've been tempted in so many ways to slip up and do some really stupid things just to land a husband. But, by the grace of God I didn't. He must have been protecting me all along, like he has in so many ways in the past. I've also had to learn that God is not out to punish us for sins of the past, and that once he has forgiven our sins he remembers them no more. 
But it's hard for me not to dwell in the past. I'm not the pure saint that many of my peers think I am. I have sinned a great deal more than I should have, but God forgave me! He keeps on forgiving and loving me like he always does, and for that I am truly thankful. 
So, it's not my time. It is not my time to be married or else I would be. God is in control and he has a plan over every little detail of our lives. So whether we worry about Obama being re-elected, how we are going to pay our bills, when we are going to get married or where all of our friends are, God knows everything we are going through. He does care, and he wants to hear from us. 

Measurements

Since the last time I blogged, I managed to reach my 60 pound weight loss and someone at work commented on how good I looked. I don't like to talk about losing weight at work because I don't really see the change in myself the way everyone else does and I feel insecure about it. You know that dreaded response when someone asks how much weight you've lost, you tell them and they reply with "You did?" and stare at you in disbelief. Well, I try to avoid that as much as possible. But when someone asks me I feel obligated to give an honest response. 


This week I lost 2 pounds making the total 62 of course. I was disappointed because I was hoping and praying to hit 65 this week. I guess God answered me by saying "Wait,"... because I worked as hard as I could and definitely gave it my all. There are just some weeks that the scale doesn't reflect everything. Just a number, just a number...


After having a really sad day, someone suggested getting my measurements. I insisted that no, I wanted to wait until I lost another 20 pounds or so before I did that. But this person convinced me and I was curious. Once all was said and done, I had lost roughly 30 inches in total since the last time I had taken measurements. I was more than thrilled. It's non scale victories like that that make all the hard work, prayers and tears worthwhile.  :) 

Today is Your Day

It's been a long time since I've created a blog post. I thought blogging would come more naturally for someone who loves writing as much as I do. I guess it is hard to write about yourself. No one wants to sound as if they are bragging about their accomplishments. It is also difficult to admit one's failures. So really, what counts as a successful blog entry?

I have been so inspired lately, and searching for inspiration around every corner. I'm telling you, it is there if you look for it. I am so proud of my Grandfather who has lost 50 pounds recently, and also proud of a couple of my co-workers are on their own weight loss journeys.

Since my last blog entry in February, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. In the months of March and April I gained about 7 pounds, and I really let it get me down. I was supposed to be losing weight, not gaining.

I visited my cousin Dean in Fredericton around the end of April and he encouraged me to get back on track. I was determined to lose 10 pounds by the next time I had seen him. As soon as I got back from Fredericton, I made it my goal to exercise at least a half hour a day and eat more of the healthy foods that really nourished and recharged my body. Guess what folks? It worked! I fell in love with exercise all over again and I was starting to notice changes in my mood and sleeping patterns.

As of today I have lost 51 lbs. It is slow going, but I am doing this my way and the way that works for me. My goal is to lose 10 pounds this month and 10 pounds the next. I know it is an ambitious goal, but it is attainable. I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer holds.

I can't wait to go for a walk, do yoga, go swimming, road trips, etc. But most of all, I can't wait to live my life. The more healthy I become the more excited I am about life.

You have got what it takes to get healthy and start living again. I draw strength from my friends, and from God to help me get through this. But unless you are determined in your mind to make a change, no one else is going to do the work for you. Take it from someone who knows and has been struggling with this her whole life. I have finally found something that works for me.

"You've got what it takes you can win. Today is your day to begin. If you know that you can than you will get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb, you've just gotta make up your mind"~ S. Twain

Valentine's Day Woes

February-one of the most difficult months of the year, especially for those of us who are single. I, for one have to endure Valentine's Day (a day that I despise) and a week later, I turn 25. Birthdays are always difficult for me. I usually end up depressed for an entire week. By the time February is over, let's just say I am ready for March.

I hate to keep bringing up the same old thing, but I'm very frustrated about the same old things. God says we are to count our blessings, but it's easier said than done.

Ever notice that everyone reminding you to count your blessings is usually married, with children and a slightly fulfilled life?

I know I have been blessed beyond what some people have. There is always something to be thankful for if I look hard enough. But what I really want more than anything right now is something that I just don't have.

I reached my 40 pound weight loss. It has been a long time coming, and believe me I've struggled with it. The past couple of days, i haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise. I am so anxious for spring to come, with warmer weather, bare grounds and a source of energy that comes with the change of seasons.

It would be nice if I could say losing weight is easy when you put your mind to it, but it's not. It's like any lifestyle change. When someone quits smoking, they usually quit and start again several times. A recovering alcoholic can easily slip back into her old habits without so much as a thought. The only difference with a food issue is that the whole world can visibly see your addiction. A smoker or alchoholic can hide their vices, as long as they keep to themselves when indulging. But my excess weight is there for all the world to see. How shameful is that!

I have a serious problem, and it's not just about stuffing my face because I like the taste of a hamburger. Eating is a way I have learned to deal with my emotions. It's easier to bury myself in a bowl of ice cream than to tell someone how I really feel. Every time a guy has broken my heart in the past, I have turned to food. That is partly why I am scared to date again, and open up my heart. What if things go bad and I start to turn to food? Then all of the work I have done will be pointless.

A good friend once told me that Valentine's day can be about celebrating anyone you love, and doesn't have to be about a significant other. So, I decided that I would celebrate my friends and my family, and also my new lifestyle. I have made some major turning points in my life this year, and I don't intend to go back to the way they were.

Last year, and the years before (especially 2009), my opinion of myself was very low. I had so much self hate in the past, that I would have dated anyone. I would have done anything for any guy just so that I could be loved. Now all of that has changed. Learning how to love yourself and have a healthy self esteem is something that money can't buy. Knowing that you are worth the effort it takes to exercise, eat healthy and take better care of yourself, is priceless. These feelings of self-worth don't come overnight, and I know I have far to go, but I can sense a change in myself.

God has helped me realize how important I am as his child. God has shown me so much love, kindness and patience, and has never given up on me. He has also blessed me with special people in my life that love me no matter what. Life is good, even as a single on Valentine's day.

God Bless!!

~H

Thoughts for December's Beginning

God gives us memories so we can have roses in December~ JM Barrie
I am trying to trust God in all aspects of my life. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Family and friends, a job, a roof over my head, and a beautiful country to live in. He has taken care of me thus far, so why shouldn't I expect the best from him in the future?

I just get to thinking of how my life is drifting away and how I am STILL not married and still have no children. I keep reminding myself there is more to life than that, but there really isn't. I am not meant to be a career woman and I never will be. All I ever wanted for myself since I was a child was to be a wife and mother first and foremost. Since that didn't happen when I turned 19, I decided I had to do something with my life and support myself because a rich man just wasn't going to fall into my lap. So I went to college and took "Human Services". What does that mean anyway? I was unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn't even sure I was taking a course that I would like. Infact, I was very uneasy about the whole thing.

College helped me grow up in many ways. Even though at times I daydreamed during class that I would meet a nice Christian guy and get married by graduation day, I enjoyed my classes. I really learned alot, not only from my instructors, but from friends I met along the way.

As surprising as this might sound, I graduated at age 21 not married. I invited the guy I was "seeing" at the time to go to my grad ceremony but he wouldn't go because he had to prepare for his prom the next day.

Strangely enough, I dated in college, but they weren't the men God would have for me. I learned that the hard way, but I don't regret anything. I have decided not to regret any of my past loves. We all make mistakes in this area. Since my last breakup I have guarded my heart. I fall too quickly. Each time it is harder to get back up. In the past 3 plus years since Mr. Dean, my last real boyfriend, I've had a couple of interests, but nothing serious, and nothing promising.

I am starting to get frustrated. Why am I so obsessed with this? I suppose you could call it sinning because instead of trusting God and being thankful for what I have, I am putting my focus on what I don't have. Thus causing me to be depressed. God doesn't want his children to stress over things, but I am only human.

I often wonder, why was it so easy for my friends to find the love of their life? Why did I have to endure heartbreak after heartbreak, and in the meantime attend their weddings and put on a happy face. I was so happy for them. I just got sick of hearing, "Some day it will be your turn," almost as if they had to convince themselves, and not me.

Then I think about the positives of not getting married early in life. I've gotten to spend more time with my friends. I have had more opportunities to travel. I know how to manage money, pay bills, etc. So the same type of responsibilities won't come as a shock to me as it would a "young" person. The type of work that I do as a residential care worker prepares me to deal with behaviors and such (which might come in handy when I have children some day).

I also think that having to wait and rely on God to help you find your spouse is a true test of patience and faithfulness. When Mr. Right-for-me comes along, I will appreciate him so much. God is ever faithful and he never lets us go through a trial that we can't handle.

This started out as a weight loss blog, but it turned into so much more. Blogging and journalling are ways of coping with stressors and events in my life. In my last entry I stated that I wanted to try jogging. Well, I have succeeded with that. I attempted jogging a mile yesterday, and I jogged nearly 2 miles. I still have it in me, but with the cold weather coming I think I will stick to walking and my yoga DVDs.

My Grandfather and I made a deal with each other that we would both lose 20 pounds by the time he has surgery on January 13th. This is going to be difficult with the Christmas season upon us, but we are both bound and determined to reach that goal. A week from today I will blog about my week, whether it was successful or not.

Until next time, thanks for reading! Remember God is good, even when we aren't. ~H

In Need of Motivation

"The noise of the world is getting me caught up; chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it." ~Emmy Rossum


Do you ever feel like you are getting old? I can't get over how time flies. Especially when I look at old photos of my chubby self. I never thought I would make it to 5 foot nothing. Thankfully I grew to a height that I was happy with because if not, my weight would be an even bigger problem. Not that it's a big problem to everyone else.I know who my true friends are and they accept me for who I am. It is, indeed a problem to me. But how do you go about fixing that? Even if I were to lose more weight, I don't know that I would ever feel thin. I'm so used to being "overweight". It's almost if I've been branded as the fat girl, or the girl who has such a "pretty face". What they are really thinking when they say that is "What a lovely face. It's a shame you don't have a nice body to go with it." Ugh.. if only people knew how much an insult that was to a big girl, they probably wouldn't say it so often.

On a more serious note, I am struggling alot. I was off to a good start changing my life last spring and summer, but when fall came around I fell on black days. I still try to get some exercise, but I don't enjoy it as much as I did a few months ago. I don't binge as much as I used to, but I could be doing better foodwise. It's not as if I have gained any weight, but I don't feel as healthy as I did a few months back. I don't know what happened. I'm trying to think of a specific event that triggered my loss of motivation, but I can't pinpoint it. You would think that being healthy and living longer would be motivation enough, but I need something more tangible.

Today I ate McDonald's, which is fine once in awhile. No need to deprive yourself completely. But I ended up kicking myself because I started out my day eating healthy, and felt as if I blew it at supper time. On the plus side I never ate anything after supper. * Pats self on back*

I haven't been jogging in probably 3 weeks. There was a point where I was running every other day. I always become very envious when I meet runners on the street. I think to myself "That could be me out there running". There's nothing like that pounding of your chest, the sweat dripping from your eyeballs and oozing down the back of your neck. The heavy breathing is always nice too. I'm sure my neighbors wondered if I was about to fall down and die after I got back from a 3k run. But it was so much fun, and I really enjoyed it.

That is my goal for this week. To get out and run once more, just to get the feel of it into my system again. I think I need to avoid the fast food too, because I know it's a weakness of mine. If I was a recovering alchoholic, I'd try to avoid the liquor store so why should this be any different?

If anyone is reading this, and would like to send any prayers my way it would be greatly appreciated! I am having a hard time.

Married or Buried? You decide

I want to know why it is that a single 24 year old Christian woman is so rare? It wouldn't be so difficult to be single if the majority of same age or younger friends weren't married. I have one, or maybe two friends who feel the same way as I do, and they are in the minority as well.

What frustrates me the most about the whole thing is, if I wasn't trying to live for God I would be married by now, and I would be a Mom...I would have my own place and I could live a semi-fulfilled life. But I believe God wants me to marry a Christian man of similar beliefs; such a thing is almost as rare as a single 24 year old Christian woman, especially in Yarmouth.I have tried dating non-Christian men. & they really liked me, believe it or not. I was almost engaged! We were planning a wedding for June of 2008. But I broke up with him because I felt it wasn't God's will for my life. Infact, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't so much love, but the idea of being in love that thrilled me at the time.

What can I say? I was 20 at the time. I knew nothing about marriage and I wasn't ready for it, like most people at that tender age. Did you know that many marriages between two people of such young ages end in divorce? Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce? It's a scary thought. People don't take marriage seriously anymore. It seems to me that (particularly in Christian circles) all a young woman can think of is her wedding day. Beautiful flowers, a gorgeous dress to show off her silhouette, gifts and memories that can last a lifetime. But most of them don't consider the fact that they are vowing to spend the rest of their life tied down to the SAME MAN. Until death do us part. Or so they say. What if you get stuck with a dud? What if you end up marrying someone for the way they look or for their money? There will come a day when money can't buy you happiness; when that handsome face and chiselled body will be wrinkled, and something that resembles a potbelly will be there in it's place.

On the other hand, men aren't always mature when it comes to marriage. I often wonder if any of them really want to get married or do they just propose because it's expected of them? Alot of Christian guys that I know complain about how all they want is "a nice girl", a "decent girl" someone who will accept them for who they are. Then the opportunity presents itself for them to date a nice girl. But they won't have her, because she's not pretty enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, etc. And half of these guys are in no position to be picky.

So when people ask me the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" Instead of answering them with a verbal response, I will write out the link to my blog. They can fill their boots with excuses or reasons why.

I used to say it was because I was fat, and that I didn't deserve anyone. And that a guy had every right to turn me down because of my weight. I'm too old for that foolishness now. People are people, whether they have a few extra pounds, don't have a perfectly proportionate face, or don't necessarily have a fancy car to call their own. So to all of you out there who wouldn't date a girl because of her weight.. I'm just going to tell you, you are missing out. And have fun being single til you are 40! Until next time,

~H

Only If

"Only if you want to, you can seize the day" ~ Enya

When you really want to make a change in your life, you will do it. Dr's will tell you that you should drop a few pounds for your health. Some friends will say you are just fine the way you are. Other true friends will tell it like it is. "You need help, and I will be there for you every step of the way." I am thankful for my true friends, who support me on my journey. I am also thankful for my Mom, not only is she my mother, but also my best friend. She encourages me every day. Also for my Grandmother, who has been brutally honest with me about my weight my entire life. I wish I had taken her advice years ago. My friend Courtney is also a huge help to me. Her philosophy of "tough love" when it comes to exercise, has inspired me to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go. Regardless of the support from friends, family and very importantly, my Savior Jesus Christ, I could never lose weight unless my heart and mind were both in it. I could pray to God and ask him to magically make the pounds disappear, but that is not how he works today. Especially not when it comes to losing weight.

I have finally lost those 30 pounds and reached an obstacle that has been haunting me for weeks now. It was such a relief to me. I am trying not to focus on just the scales. It has taken me 7 weeks to lose those 30 pounds, but I worked hard for every single one. I took my measurements today. I have lost 6 inches in total from my waist.

This is a slightly smaller entry than before, but I wanted to post my success story for today. I see myself in a totally different light. I am much more confident, and happy. I can't wait to see myself as a well-rounded individual and not simply "round". =) Until next time....

The Climb

~There's always going to be another mountain~. I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan by any means, but those words from one of her recent hits really strike a chord with me. Anyone who has attempted losing weight; whether it be 200 pounds or 20 pounds, knows there are definite obstacles along the way. It almost feels as if you are climbing a mountain and each step leaves you anxious, anticipating what will be on the next horizon. Perhaps your mountain seems too tall to climb at the time. Perhaps your mountain is small, and you can see the end, but yet it is just out of your reach by a couple of feet. Either way, mountains can be frustrating. But when you reach the top, it feels fantastic. You stand at the top of your mountain, with the sun shining in your face, the wind blowing through your hair, and the glory of victory in your heart. It is the greatest sense of accomplishment. And you knew it was all worth it in the end. All of the blood, sweat and tears were just stepping stones on your journey. Each stepping stone getting you closer to your goal, the top of that mountain.

I have managed to get a pretty good grip on my mountain.

Twenty-seven pounds lighter, I can now say that I walk with more ease. I can say that those stairs are getting easier to climb. I can say that I have lost 4 inches off my waist, and at least 12 inches over all. Now that, my friends, is something to be proud of. I will accept each accomplishment, however great or small as success in my journey.

I have been hovering around the thirty pound mark for the past couple of weeks. It seems as if I have hit my first plateau. They all told me this would happen. I figure that every thirty pounds I lose, I will experience the same thing. It is extremely frustrating how close I came to losing thirty two weeks ago. But what happened? I let the mental game take control of me. I stressed myself out to the point that I wasn't sleeping because my first thoughts when I went to bed consisted of "What if I don't hit thirty this week? I will look like a fool. Everyone will think I have given up." Those thoughts played over and over in my head until I was starting to get sick of hearing myself think. So, I shut myself up with food. I didn't turn to junk food as I normally did, but I would sneak an extra piece of bread here and there. Things like that. I can't believe that after nearly a month with such good results I still went partially back to my old habits. Such is life, old habits die hard.

Today, on May 28th, 2010, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on the numbers on the scale. I am so much more than a number on a scale. Why should I judge myself based on a number? My whole life I have felt judged because of my weight. Yet, I will judge myself based on the same thing, and it's not right. Losing weight is not a diet. It is not a fad that can come and go as it pleases. It is a lifestyle change. It affects a person not only physically, but also mentally, spiritually, socially, YOU get the picture don't you? Need I say more? As the pounds disappear so do small thoughts of self-loathing. I wish I could turn back the clock and start loving myself the way I should at a younger age, but what's done is done. I can only look at the present and to the future.

Losing Hope Poem

I wrote this poem depicting as accurately as I could how I felt a month ago. It might sound depressing, but that is the point. I wanted to get my feelings out in the open as opposed to eating them the way I used to.

~Losing Hope~


I close the blinds, I shut the door.
To the world I am recluse.
I just can't take it anymore,
Try? Well, what's the use.

No one knows the pain I feel,
Those thoughts down deep inside.
The horror is far too real,
My misery I must hide.

To feel like such an outcast
In a world so confusing,
Is like a constant battle,
Which I fear that I am losing.

Won't someone take me away?
I simply don't belong
This possibly could be the day
I right all that is wrong.

The journey will be long
As to that place I go.
Where i can sing my own song,
And no one has to know.

I feel just like a shadow
Living someone else's life.
This constant shame and sorrow,
Has caused me so much strife.

Can someone take me away,
To that place where all is fine.
A home where I can stay,
& happiness is mine.

Maybe some day I will see;
In time it will all be clear.
If there is a way for me
To face the things I fear.


(to be continued)

April 2010

Something has to change. I have never felt so miserable in my entire life. I'm having success at work, saving money, and trying to get my priorites straight. But the one thing I can't seem to conquer is my weight. It's like a brick wall that no matter what else I do, I can't be happy because I can't get past it. After a shift at work, I am in so much pain that I can hardly move. I don't sleep at nights. Everything just keeps piling up. It is getting embarrassing to be short of breath from walking up 2 simple flights of stairs.

My weight has been a constant issue with me. When I was 8 years old I started to notice I was chubby and most of my friends were quite thin. I used to ask my Mom why I was so fat. I just couldn't understand it. I dealt with depression for much of my young life. No one ever really knew how unhappy I was.

Things started to get worse in my teens. Instead of losing all of that baby fat, I accepted myself as being overweight. Hoping, that some day I would magically be thin and this nightmare called life would go away. I longed for true love to come my way, but I always thought to myself "Who's going to love a fatty like me?" It really affected the way I handled my relationships. It seemed as if I was constantly running or finding an excuse to break up with someone. In turn, i ended up dating the wrong men because I felt I didn't deserve the right one.

At age 24, I am starting to feel old. At 24, I should be living life and I should be loving life. Instead of sitting at home wishing I was out living life, I have decided today, on Easter weekend to do something about my situation.

My cousin and good friend is going to be helping me with my journey. I will be reporting to her my meals and my exercise, and my thoughts on this journey to getting healthy. It is time to face the truth and face all of these issues that have been haunting me. The fact that I am obese is not simply "I love to eat". No, it goes way deeper than that. Anyone else who struggles with their weight understands this. I hope to get to the real issues of why I eat when I eat. I hope to be able to deal with stress in different ways, other than eating 2 burgers and french fries from McDonald's on the way home from work.

I will be keeping everyone posted on my blog "It's my life". The reason I have titled my blog this way, is because I am doing this for me. In the past, I have tried to lose weight to make other people happy. This time it is about me and my health..and a happier life.