Thoughts for December's Beginning

God gives us memories so we can have roses in December~ JM Barrie
I am trying to trust God in all aspects of my life. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Family and friends, a job, a roof over my head, and a beautiful country to live in. He has taken care of me thus far, so why shouldn't I expect the best from him in the future?

I just get to thinking of how my life is drifting away and how I am STILL not married and still have no children. I keep reminding myself there is more to life than that, but there really isn't. I am not meant to be a career woman and I never will be. All I ever wanted for myself since I was a child was to be a wife and mother first and foremost. Since that didn't happen when I turned 19, I decided I had to do something with my life and support myself because a rich man just wasn't going to fall into my lap. So I went to college and took "Human Services". What does that mean anyway? I was unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn't even sure I was taking a course that I would like. Infact, I was very uneasy about the whole thing.

College helped me grow up in many ways. Even though at times I daydreamed during class that I would meet a nice Christian guy and get married by graduation day, I enjoyed my classes. I really learned alot, not only from my instructors, but from friends I met along the way.

As surprising as this might sound, I graduated at age 21 not married. I invited the guy I was "seeing" at the time to go to my grad ceremony but he wouldn't go because he had to prepare for his prom the next day.

Strangely enough, I dated in college, but they weren't the men God would have for me. I learned that the hard way, but I don't regret anything. I have decided not to regret any of my past loves. We all make mistakes in this area. Since my last breakup I have guarded my heart. I fall too quickly. Each time it is harder to get back up. In the past 3 plus years since Mr. Dean, my last real boyfriend, I've had a couple of interests, but nothing serious, and nothing promising.

I am starting to get frustrated. Why am I so obsessed with this? I suppose you could call it sinning because instead of trusting God and being thankful for what I have, I am putting my focus on what I don't have. Thus causing me to be depressed. God doesn't want his children to stress over things, but I am only human.

I often wonder, why was it so easy for my friends to find the love of their life? Why did I have to endure heartbreak after heartbreak, and in the meantime attend their weddings and put on a happy face. I was so happy for them. I just got sick of hearing, "Some day it will be your turn," almost as if they had to convince themselves, and not me.

Then I think about the positives of not getting married early in life. I've gotten to spend more time with my friends. I have had more opportunities to travel. I know how to manage money, pay bills, etc. So the same type of responsibilities won't come as a shock to me as it would a "young" person. The type of work that I do as a residential care worker prepares me to deal with behaviors and such (which might come in handy when I have children some day).

I also think that having to wait and rely on God to help you find your spouse is a true test of patience and faithfulness. When Mr. Right-for-me comes along, I will appreciate him so much. God is ever faithful and he never lets us go through a trial that we can't handle.

This started out as a weight loss blog, but it turned into so much more. Blogging and journalling are ways of coping with stressors and events in my life. In my last entry I stated that I wanted to try jogging. Well, I have succeeded with that. I attempted jogging a mile yesterday, and I jogged nearly 2 miles. I still have it in me, but with the cold weather coming I think I will stick to walking and my yoga DVDs.

My Grandfather and I made a deal with each other that we would both lose 20 pounds by the time he has surgery on January 13th. This is going to be difficult with the Christmas season upon us, but we are both bound and determined to reach that goal. A week from today I will blog about my week, whether it was successful or not.

Until next time, thanks for reading! Remember God is good, even when we aren't. ~H

In Need of Motivation

"The noise of the world is getting me caught up; chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it." ~Emmy Rossum


Do you ever feel like you are getting old? I can't get over how time flies. Especially when I look at old photos of my chubby self. I never thought I would make it to 5 foot nothing. Thankfully I grew to a height that I was happy with because if not, my weight would be an even bigger problem. Not that it's a big problem to everyone else.I know who my true friends are and they accept me for who I am. It is, indeed a problem to me. But how do you go about fixing that? Even if I were to lose more weight, I don't know that I would ever feel thin. I'm so used to being "overweight". It's almost if I've been branded as the fat girl, or the girl who has such a "pretty face". What they are really thinking when they say that is "What a lovely face. It's a shame you don't have a nice body to go with it." Ugh.. if only people knew how much an insult that was to a big girl, they probably wouldn't say it so often.

On a more serious note, I am struggling alot. I was off to a good start changing my life last spring and summer, but when fall came around I fell on black days. I still try to get some exercise, but I don't enjoy it as much as I did a few months ago. I don't binge as much as I used to, but I could be doing better foodwise. It's not as if I have gained any weight, but I don't feel as healthy as I did a few months back. I don't know what happened. I'm trying to think of a specific event that triggered my loss of motivation, but I can't pinpoint it. You would think that being healthy and living longer would be motivation enough, but I need something more tangible.

Today I ate McDonald's, which is fine once in awhile. No need to deprive yourself completely. But I ended up kicking myself because I started out my day eating healthy, and felt as if I blew it at supper time. On the plus side I never ate anything after supper. * Pats self on back*

I haven't been jogging in probably 3 weeks. There was a point where I was running every other day. I always become very envious when I meet runners on the street. I think to myself "That could be me out there running". There's nothing like that pounding of your chest, the sweat dripping from your eyeballs and oozing down the back of your neck. The heavy breathing is always nice too. I'm sure my neighbors wondered if I was about to fall down and die after I got back from a 3k run. But it was so much fun, and I really enjoyed it.

That is my goal for this week. To get out and run once more, just to get the feel of it into my system again. I think I need to avoid the fast food too, because I know it's a weakness of mine. If I was a recovering alchoholic, I'd try to avoid the liquor store so why should this be any different?

If anyone is reading this, and would like to send any prayers my way it would be greatly appreciated! I am having a hard time.

Married or Buried? You decide

I want to know why it is that a single 24 year old Christian woman is so rare? It wouldn't be so difficult to be single if the majority of same age or younger friends weren't married. I have one, or maybe two friends who feel the same way as I do, and they are in the minority as well.

What frustrates me the most about the whole thing is, if I wasn't trying to live for God I would be married by now, and I would be a Mom...I would have my own place and I could live a semi-fulfilled life. But I believe God wants me to marry a Christian man of similar beliefs; such a thing is almost as rare as a single 24 year old Christian woman, especially in Yarmouth.I have tried dating non-Christian men. & they really liked me, believe it or not. I was almost engaged! We were planning a wedding for June of 2008. But I broke up with him because I felt it wasn't God's will for my life. Infact, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't so much love, but the idea of being in love that thrilled me at the time.

What can I say? I was 20 at the time. I knew nothing about marriage and I wasn't ready for it, like most people at that tender age. Did you know that many marriages between two people of such young ages end in divorce? Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce? It's a scary thought. People don't take marriage seriously anymore. It seems to me that (particularly in Christian circles) all a young woman can think of is her wedding day. Beautiful flowers, a gorgeous dress to show off her silhouette, gifts and memories that can last a lifetime. But most of them don't consider the fact that they are vowing to spend the rest of their life tied down to the SAME MAN. Until death do us part. Or so they say. What if you get stuck with a dud? What if you end up marrying someone for the way they look or for their money? There will come a day when money can't buy you happiness; when that handsome face and chiselled body will be wrinkled, and something that resembles a potbelly will be there in it's place.

On the other hand, men aren't always mature when it comes to marriage. I often wonder if any of them really want to get married or do they just propose because it's expected of them? Alot of Christian guys that I know complain about how all they want is "a nice girl", a "decent girl" someone who will accept them for who they are. Then the opportunity presents itself for them to date a nice girl. But they won't have her, because she's not pretty enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, etc. And half of these guys are in no position to be picky.

So when people ask me the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" Instead of answering them with a verbal response, I will write out the link to my blog. They can fill their boots with excuses or reasons why.

I used to say it was because I was fat, and that I didn't deserve anyone. And that a guy had every right to turn me down because of my weight. I'm too old for that foolishness now. People are people, whether they have a few extra pounds, don't have a perfectly proportionate face, or don't necessarily have a fancy car to call their own. So to all of you out there who wouldn't date a girl because of her weight.. I'm just going to tell you, you are missing out. And have fun being single til you are 40! Until next time,

~H

Only If

"Only if you want to, you can seize the day" ~ Enya

When you really want to make a change in your life, you will do it. Dr's will tell you that you should drop a few pounds for your health. Some friends will say you are just fine the way you are. Other true friends will tell it like it is. "You need help, and I will be there for you every step of the way." I am thankful for my true friends, who support me on my journey. I am also thankful for my Mom, not only is she my mother, but also my best friend. She encourages me every day. Also for my Grandmother, who has been brutally honest with me about my weight my entire life. I wish I had taken her advice years ago. My friend Courtney is also a huge help to me. Her philosophy of "tough love" when it comes to exercise, has inspired me to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go. Regardless of the support from friends, family and very importantly, my Savior Jesus Christ, I could never lose weight unless my heart and mind were both in it. I could pray to God and ask him to magically make the pounds disappear, but that is not how he works today. Especially not when it comes to losing weight.

I have finally lost those 30 pounds and reached an obstacle that has been haunting me for weeks now. It was such a relief to me. I am trying not to focus on just the scales. It has taken me 7 weeks to lose those 30 pounds, but I worked hard for every single one. I took my measurements today. I have lost 6 inches in total from my waist.

This is a slightly smaller entry than before, but I wanted to post my success story for today. I see myself in a totally different light. I am much more confident, and happy. I can't wait to see myself as a well-rounded individual and not simply "round". =) Until next time....

The Climb

~There's always going to be another mountain~. I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan by any means, but those words from one of her recent hits really strike a chord with me. Anyone who has attempted losing weight; whether it be 200 pounds or 20 pounds, knows there are definite obstacles along the way. It almost feels as if you are climbing a mountain and each step leaves you anxious, anticipating what will be on the next horizon. Perhaps your mountain seems too tall to climb at the time. Perhaps your mountain is small, and you can see the end, but yet it is just out of your reach by a couple of feet. Either way, mountains can be frustrating. But when you reach the top, it feels fantastic. You stand at the top of your mountain, with the sun shining in your face, the wind blowing through your hair, and the glory of victory in your heart. It is the greatest sense of accomplishment. And you knew it was all worth it in the end. All of the blood, sweat and tears were just stepping stones on your journey. Each stepping stone getting you closer to your goal, the top of that mountain.

I have managed to get a pretty good grip on my mountain.

Twenty-seven pounds lighter, I can now say that I walk with more ease. I can say that those stairs are getting easier to climb. I can say that I have lost 4 inches off my waist, and at least 12 inches over all. Now that, my friends, is something to be proud of. I will accept each accomplishment, however great or small as success in my journey.

I have been hovering around the thirty pound mark for the past couple of weeks. It seems as if I have hit my first plateau. They all told me this would happen. I figure that every thirty pounds I lose, I will experience the same thing. It is extremely frustrating how close I came to losing thirty two weeks ago. But what happened? I let the mental game take control of me. I stressed myself out to the point that I wasn't sleeping because my first thoughts when I went to bed consisted of "What if I don't hit thirty this week? I will look like a fool. Everyone will think I have given up." Those thoughts played over and over in my head until I was starting to get sick of hearing myself think. So, I shut myself up with food. I didn't turn to junk food as I normally did, but I would sneak an extra piece of bread here and there. Things like that. I can't believe that after nearly a month with such good results I still went partially back to my old habits. Such is life, old habits die hard.

Today, on May 28th, 2010, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on the numbers on the scale. I am so much more than a number on a scale. Why should I judge myself based on a number? My whole life I have felt judged because of my weight. Yet, I will judge myself based on the same thing, and it's not right. Losing weight is not a diet. It is not a fad that can come and go as it pleases. It is a lifestyle change. It affects a person not only physically, but also mentally, spiritually, socially, YOU get the picture don't you? Need I say more? As the pounds disappear so do small thoughts of self-loathing. I wish I could turn back the clock and start loving myself the way I should at a younger age, but what's done is done. I can only look at the present and to the future.

Losing Hope Poem

I wrote this poem depicting as accurately as I could how I felt a month ago. It might sound depressing, but that is the point. I wanted to get my feelings out in the open as opposed to eating them the way I used to.

~Losing Hope~


I close the blinds, I shut the door.
To the world I am recluse.
I just can't take it anymore,
Try? Well, what's the use.

No one knows the pain I feel,
Those thoughts down deep inside.
The horror is far too real,
My misery I must hide.

To feel like such an outcast
In a world so confusing,
Is like a constant battle,
Which I fear that I am losing.

Won't someone take me away?
I simply don't belong
This possibly could be the day
I right all that is wrong.

The journey will be long
As to that place I go.
Where i can sing my own song,
And no one has to know.

I feel just like a shadow
Living someone else's life.
This constant shame and sorrow,
Has caused me so much strife.

Can someone take me away,
To that place where all is fine.
A home where I can stay,
& happiness is mine.

Maybe some day I will see;
In time it will all be clear.
If there is a way for me
To face the things I fear.


(to be continued)

April 2010

Something has to change. I have never felt so miserable in my entire life. I'm having success at work, saving money, and trying to get my priorites straight. But the one thing I can't seem to conquer is my weight. It's like a brick wall that no matter what else I do, I can't be happy because I can't get past it. After a shift at work, I am in so much pain that I can hardly move. I don't sleep at nights. Everything just keeps piling up. It is getting embarrassing to be short of breath from walking up 2 simple flights of stairs.

My weight has been a constant issue with me. When I was 8 years old I started to notice I was chubby and most of my friends were quite thin. I used to ask my Mom why I was so fat. I just couldn't understand it. I dealt with depression for much of my young life. No one ever really knew how unhappy I was.

Things started to get worse in my teens. Instead of losing all of that baby fat, I accepted myself as being overweight. Hoping, that some day I would magically be thin and this nightmare called life would go away. I longed for true love to come my way, but I always thought to myself "Who's going to love a fatty like me?" It really affected the way I handled my relationships. It seemed as if I was constantly running or finding an excuse to break up with someone. In turn, i ended up dating the wrong men because I felt I didn't deserve the right one.

At age 24, I am starting to feel old. At 24, I should be living life and I should be loving life. Instead of sitting at home wishing I was out living life, I have decided today, on Easter weekend to do something about my situation.

My cousin and good friend is going to be helping me with my journey. I will be reporting to her my meals and my exercise, and my thoughts on this journey to getting healthy. It is time to face the truth and face all of these issues that have been haunting me. The fact that I am obese is not simply "I love to eat". No, it goes way deeper than that. Anyone else who struggles with their weight understands this. I hope to get to the real issues of why I eat when I eat. I hope to be able to deal with stress in different ways, other than eating 2 burgers and french fries from McDonald's on the way home from work.

I will be keeping everyone posted on my blog "It's my life". The reason I have titled my blog this way, is because I am doing this for me. In the past, I have tried to lose weight to make other people happy. This time it is about me and my health..and a happier life.