In Need of Motivation

"The noise of the world is getting me caught up; chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it." ~Emmy Rossum


Do you ever feel like you are getting old? I can't get over how time flies. Especially when I look at old photos of my chubby self. I never thought I would make it to 5 foot nothing. Thankfully I grew to a height that I was happy with because if not, my weight would be an even bigger problem. Not that it's a big problem to everyone else.I know who my true friends are and they accept me for who I am. It is, indeed a problem to me. But how do you go about fixing that? Even if I were to lose more weight, I don't know that I would ever feel thin. I'm so used to being "overweight". It's almost if I've been branded as the fat girl, or the girl who has such a "pretty face". What they are really thinking when they say that is "What a lovely face. It's a shame you don't have a nice body to go with it." Ugh.. if only people knew how much an insult that was to a big girl, they probably wouldn't say it so often.

On a more serious note, I am struggling alot. I was off to a good start changing my life last spring and summer, but when fall came around I fell on black days. I still try to get some exercise, but I don't enjoy it as much as I did a few months ago. I don't binge as much as I used to, but I could be doing better foodwise. It's not as if I have gained any weight, but I don't feel as healthy as I did a few months back. I don't know what happened. I'm trying to think of a specific event that triggered my loss of motivation, but I can't pinpoint it. You would think that being healthy and living longer would be motivation enough, but I need something more tangible.

Today I ate McDonald's, which is fine once in awhile. No need to deprive yourself completely. But I ended up kicking myself because I started out my day eating healthy, and felt as if I blew it at supper time. On the plus side I never ate anything after supper. * Pats self on back*

I haven't been jogging in probably 3 weeks. There was a point where I was running every other day. I always become very envious when I meet runners on the street. I think to myself "That could be me out there running". There's nothing like that pounding of your chest, the sweat dripping from your eyeballs and oozing down the back of your neck. The heavy breathing is always nice too. I'm sure my neighbors wondered if I was about to fall down and die after I got back from a 3k run. But it was so much fun, and I really enjoyed it.

That is my goal for this week. To get out and run once more, just to get the feel of it into my system again. I think I need to avoid the fast food too, because I know it's a weakness of mine. If I was a recovering alchoholic, I'd try to avoid the liquor store so why should this be any different?

If anyone is reading this, and would like to send any prayers my way it would be greatly appreciated! I am having a hard time.

Married or Buried? You decide

I want to know why it is that a single 24 year old Christian woman is so rare? It wouldn't be so difficult to be single if the majority of same age or younger friends weren't married. I have one, or maybe two friends who feel the same way as I do, and they are in the minority as well.

What frustrates me the most about the whole thing is, if I wasn't trying to live for God I would be married by now, and I would be a Mom...I would have my own place and I could live a semi-fulfilled life. But I believe God wants me to marry a Christian man of similar beliefs; such a thing is almost as rare as a single 24 year old Christian woman, especially in Yarmouth.I have tried dating non-Christian men. & they really liked me, believe it or not. I was almost engaged! We were planning a wedding for June of 2008. But I broke up with him because I felt it wasn't God's will for my life. Infact, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't so much love, but the idea of being in love that thrilled me at the time.

What can I say? I was 20 at the time. I knew nothing about marriage and I wasn't ready for it, like most people at that tender age. Did you know that many marriages between two people of such young ages end in divorce? Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce? It's a scary thought. People don't take marriage seriously anymore. It seems to me that (particularly in Christian circles) all a young woman can think of is her wedding day. Beautiful flowers, a gorgeous dress to show off her silhouette, gifts and memories that can last a lifetime. But most of them don't consider the fact that they are vowing to spend the rest of their life tied down to the SAME MAN. Until death do us part. Or so they say. What if you get stuck with a dud? What if you end up marrying someone for the way they look or for their money? There will come a day when money can't buy you happiness; when that handsome face and chiselled body will be wrinkled, and something that resembles a potbelly will be there in it's place.

On the other hand, men aren't always mature when it comes to marriage. I often wonder if any of them really want to get married or do they just propose because it's expected of them? Alot of Christian guys that I know complain about how all they want is "a nice girl", a "decent girl" someone who will accept them for who they are. Then the opportunity presents itself for them to date a nice girl. But they won't have her, because she's not pretty enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, etc. And half of these guys are in no position to be picky.

So when people ask me the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" Instead of answering them with a verbal response, I will write out the link to my blog. They can fill their boots with excuses or reasons why.

I used to say it was because I was fat, and that I didn't deserve anyone. And that a guy had every right to turn me down because of my weight. I'm too old for that foolishness now. People are people, whether they have a few extra pounds, don't have a perfectly proportionate face, or don't necessarily have a fancy car to call their own. So to all of you out there who wouldn't date a girl because of her weight.. I'm just going to tell you, you are missing out. And have fun being single til you are 40! Until next time,

~H