I have friends that will go for months without talking to me and then expect to be able to pick up where we left off. I understand that we all live busy lives, but they aren't any busier than I am. I have work, school, church and extracurricular activities to keep me going. On top of all that, trying to lose weight is no picnic. (more on this later)
We all have those friends, and we are happy that they have found Mr. Right, married and had children, bought houses, and moved on with their lives making the rest of us feel like inferior idiots because ten years have passed since high school and nothing has really changed for us.
I really want nothing more for my friends than to be happy. But they were my friends before their life "rocked"...so to speak. We share the ups and downs of the single life, laugh and cry together, pray together, and send the occasional note of encouragement. We stand next to them in their weddings wearing the dresses that they chose for THEIR vision, and still have to pay for them. (They say the dresses can be shortened and wore again but we know that's just a ploy) They have one, maybe two, or even three children. & there I sit, barren and alone, waiting for a chance to even go on a date with a decent guy that has two clues about life and how to treat women. All I've wanted from the time I turned 18 was the chance to get married. It was once predicted by one of my friends that I would be the first of our group to get married, but it's looking like I will be the last. I guess the joke is on me. Where are my married friends now? Do they care about me? Do they still pray for me like they always promised they would?
Which brings me to another question "What Matters Most?"
Am I supposed to try to find my own husband? And if so, how do I go about doing it. I've lost a significant amount of weight, and I am not even close to skinny, but I don't perceive myself to be a hideous looking person.
I am usually kind to everyone. Does kindness matter though? Is that even something that guys care about when they look for a wife?
I pray constantly that God will send me the right person, reminding him that I am getting older and running out of time to have children. "God you say children are a blessing right? Don't you want me to be blessed? Are you punishing me by withholding from me the one thing that I want most?"
I will admit, the tone of my prayer is not always right, or trusting.
I've been trying to trust in God. I've trusted in him for the past five years, and believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've been tempted in so many ways to slip up and do some really stupid things just to land a husband. But, by the grace of God I didn't. He must have been protecting me all along, like he has in so many ways in the past. I've also had to learn that God is not out to punish us for sins of the past, and that once he has forgiven our sins he remembers them no more.
But it's hard for me not to dwell in the past. I'm not the pure saint that many of my peers think I am. I have sinned a great deal more than I should have, but God forgave me! He keeps on forgiving and loving me like he always does, and for that I am truly thankful.
So, it's not my time. It is not my time to be married or else I would be. God is in control and he has a plan over every little detail of our lives. So whether we worry about Obama being re-elected, how we are going to pay our bills, when we are going to get married or where all of our friends are, God knows everything we are going through. He does care, and he wants to hear from us.
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