Four years ago, I made an agreement with myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall for anyone. I told myself that when the right guy came along, he would pursue me and that I would know. The purpose of this agreement was so that I didn't allow myself to get hurt like I have many times in the past. I was doing just fine for those four years. Yes, it was a bit frustrating having no options and no one that I took interest in, but I assumed that was God's way of protecting my "heart" from another upset, like I had asked him to.
Four years.. during this time I went on a date, with one or two guys. I could tell from what I knew about these guys and how we interacted that none of them could have been "the one" God had for me. There was something missing. When you live in a town like Yarmouth where there are very few unmarried Christian men, you have to take the opportunities to date when you can.
So for years I went on living my life, pretending to be content as a single person. I told people that is where God wanted me at that point in time, despite being reminded by some of my friends that my biological clock was ticking and that I need to enjoy being in love while I am young. Most of the advice I received from my young peers was not Godly advice. I know they meant well and just wanted me to find happiness like they had, but praying for me would have gone a lot farther than the constant harping and the questions "Haven't you got a man yet?"
Of course I want to be in love. No girl dreams that some day when she is a grown up, she will be alone, never married, no children, feeling like she has no place in this world and no value; finding herself at a standstill, waiting for some unknown reason for her most earnest prayer to be answered.
This year, I thought God had finally answered my prayer. I met a really great guy over the summer, and for a month after meeting him, we communicated almost on a daily basis. I was very excited because he was so nice and such a good Christian. He was so different from any guy I had ever met. I didn't think a guy would spend that much time talking to me unless he liked me. At least, it had never happened that way in the past. Like a fool I let myself think there was something there, but in reality my feelings were unrequited. To make a long story short we are no longer speaking. But I am sure some day he will meet someone that deserves a guy like him. Why wouldn't he want to wait for the best thing anyway? I can't begrudge him that.
I was starting to think God was just playing games. Like he was dangling something in front of me just to yank it away. "Whoops, just kidding. You can't be happy after all."
Then I thought to myself, "You can't blame God for this because that is just stupid."
My thoughts are strange and random.
What last summer taught me was that I really need to be sure of where my relationships are going before I let my head or my heart, whatever it is... get carried away. I can't waste time getting to know someone unless they are going to be upfront with me from the start. Somewhere out there is the guy for me, and when God decides to reveal whoever he is, I need to be ready. I'm hoping that when that time comes, things will just fall into place. I don't want to have to do all of the work. I need God to take care of things. My hope and my prayer is that he will. & soon!! ;)
Quote of the day: ~Sometimes what seems to be human rejection is actually God's protection~ (anonymous but I love it)
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