Do you ever feel like you are in the depths of despair? I know it sounds a bit dramatic. But we all have those days when it just feels like nothing is going right in our life.
Today is one of those days.
I have been so emotional today. I just finished working three 12 hour day shifts, and I'm exhausted. I wore my old sneakers to work the last three days and they killed my feet. I tried to get ahead of myself by finishing 5 Biology essay/assignments in one week. Upon printing these assignments today, I discover that assignment 5 is missing the last page of the essay. How frustrating! It's minor, but wasn't a good way to start the day.
Then for some reason, all I could think for the remainder of the day were negative thoughts.
I just feel like crying. I feel so alone right now. Some days I don't think of it, but whenever I do, I just want to hibernate in my bed and never leave.
Getting up in the morning is such a chore. Going to work and coming home to sleep alone in a cold bed is getting so old. By the time I find true love I'll be too old to enjoy it.
It sounds like I'm complaining, but really I'm just venting. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Your Heart Will Know
Four years ago, I made an agreement with myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall for anyone. I told myself that when the right guy came along, he would pursue me and that I would know. The purpose of this agreement was so that I didn't allow myself to get hurt like I have many times in the past. I was doing just fine for those four years. Yes, it was a bit frustrating having no options and no one that I took interest in, but I assumed that was God's way of protecting my "heart" from another upset, like I had asked him to.
Four years.. during this time I went on a date, with one or two guys. I could tell from what I knew about these guys and how we interacted that none of them could have been "the one" God had for me. There was something missing. When you live in a town like Yarmouth where there are very few unmarried Christian men, you have to take the opportunities to date when you can.
So for years I went on living my life, pretending to be content as a single person. I told people that is where God wanted me at that point in time, despite being reminded by some of my friends that my biological clock was ticking and that I need to enjoy being in love while I am young. Most of the advice I received from my young peers was not Godly advice. I know they meant well and just wanted me to find happiness like they had, but praying for me would have gone a lot farther than the constant harping and the questions "Haven't you got a man yet?"
Of course I want to be in love. No girl dreams that some day when she is a grown up, she will be alone, never married, no children, feeling like she has no place in this world and no value; finding herself at a standstill, waiting for some unknown reason for her most earnest prayer to be answered.
This year, I thought God had finally answered my prayer. I met a really great guy over the summer, and for a month after meeting him, we communicated almost on a daily basis. I was very excited because he was so nice and such a good Christian. He was so different from any guy I had ever met. I didn't think a guy would spend that much time talking to me unless he liked me. At least, it had never happened that way in the past. Like a fool I let myself think there was something there, but in reality my feelings were unrequited. To make a long story short we are no longer speaking. But I am sure some day he will meet someone that deserves a guy like him. Why wouldn't he want to wait for the best thing anyway? I can't begrudge him that.
I was starting to think God was just playing games. Like he was dangling something in front of me just to yank it away. "Whoops, just kidding. You can't be happy after all."
Then I thought to myself, "You can't blame God for this because that is just stupid."
My thoughts are strange and random.
What last summer taught me was that I really need to be sure of where my relationships are going before I let my head or my heart, whatever it is... get carried away. I can't waste time getting to know someone unless they are going to be upfront with me from the start. Somewhere out there is the guy for me, and when God decides to reveal whoever he is, I need to be ready. I'm hoping that when that time comes, things will just fall into place. I don't want to have to do all of the work. I need God to take care of things. My hope and my prayer is that he will. & soon!! ;)
Quote of the day: ~Sometimes what seems to be human rejection is actually God's protection~ (anonymous but I love it)
Friday, November 9, 2012
What Matters Most?
I have friends that will go for months without talking to me and then expect to be able to pick up where we left off. I understand that we all live busy lives, but they aren't any busier than I am. I have work, school, church and extracurricular activities to keep me going. On top of all that, trying to lose weight is no picnic. (more on this later)
We all have those friends, and we are happy that they have found Mr. Right, married and had children, bought houses, and moved on with their lives making the rest of us feel like inferior idiots because ten years have passed since high school and nothing has really changed for us.
I really want nothing more for my friends than to be happy. But they were my friends before their life "rocked"...so to speak. We share the ups and downs of the single life, laugh and cry together, pray together, and send the occasional note of encouragement. We stand next to them in their weddings wearing the dresses that they chose for THEIR vision, and still have to pay for them. (They say the dresses can be shortened and wore again but we know that's just a ploy) They have one, maybe two, or even three children. & there I sit, barren and alone, waiting for a chance to even go on a date with a decent guy that has two clues about life and how to treat women. All I've wanted from the time I turned 18 was the chance to get married. It was once predicted by one of my friends that I would be the first of our group to get married, but it's looking like I will be the last. I guess the joke is on me. Where are my married friends now? Do they care about me? Do they still pray for me like they always promised they would?
Which brings me to another question "What Matters Most?"
Am I supposed to try to find my own husband? And if so, how do I go about doing it. I've lost a significant amount of weight, and I am not even close to skinny, but I don't perceive myself to be a hideous looking person.
I am usually kind to everyone. Does kindness matter though? Is that even something that guys care about when they look for a wife?
I pray constantly that God will send me the right person, reminding him that I am getting older and running out of time to have children. "God you say children are a blessing right? Don't you want me to be blessed? Are you punishing me by withholding from me the one thing that I want most?"
I will admit, the tone of my prayer is not always right, or trusting.
I've been trying to trust in God. I've trusted in him for the past five years, and believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've been tempted in so many ways to slip up and do some really stupid things just to land a husband. But, by the grace of God I didn't. He must have been protecting me all along, like he has in so many ways in the past. I've also had to learn that God is not out to punish us for sins of the past, and that once he has forgiven our sins he remembers them no more.
But it's hard for me not to dwell in the past. I'm not the pure saint that many of my peers think I am. I have sinned a great deal more than I should have, but God forgave me! He keeps on forgiving and loving me like he always does, and for that I am truly thankful.
So, it's not my time. It is not my time to be married or else I would be. God is in control and he has a plan over every little detail of our lives. So whether we worry about Obama being re-elected, how we are going to pay our bills, when we are going to get married or where all of our friends are, God knows everything we are going through. He does care, and he wants to hear from us.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Measurements
Since the last time I blogged, I managed to reach my 60 pound weight loss and someone at work commented on how good I looked. I don't like to talk about losing weight at work because I don't really see the change in myself the way everyone else does and I feel insecure about it. You know that dreaded response when someone asks how much weight you've lost, you tell them and they reply with "You did?" and stare at you in disbelief. Well, I try to avoid that as much as possible. But when someone asks me I feel obligated to give an honest response.
This week I lost 2 pounds making the total 62 of course. I was disappointed because I was hoping and praying to hit 65 this week. I guess God answered me by saying "Wait,"... because I worked as hard as I could and definitely gave it my all. There are just some weeks that the scale doesn't reflect everything. Just a number, just a number...
After having a really sad day, someone suggested getting my measurements. I insisted that no, I wanted to wait until I lost another 20 pounds or so before I did that. But this person convinced me and I was curious. Once all was said and done, I had lost roughly 30 inches in total since the last time I had taken measurements. I was more than thrilled. It's non scale victories like that that make all the hard work, prayers and tears worthwhile. :)
This week I lost 2 pounds making the total 62 of course. I was disappointed because I was hoping and praying to hit 65 this week. I guess God answered me by saying "Wait,"... because I worked as hard as I could and definitely gave it my all. There are just some weeks that the scale doesn't reflect everything. Just a number, just a number...
After having a really sad day, someone suggested getting my measurements. I insisted that no, I wanted to wait until I lost another 20 pounds or so before I did that. But this person convinced me and I was curious. Once all was said and done, I had lost roughly 30 inches in total since the last time I had taken measurements. I was more than thrilled. It's non scale victories like that that make all the hard work, prayers and tears worthwhile. :)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Today is Your Day
It's been a long time since I've created a blog post. I thought blogging would come more naturally for someone who loves writing as much as I do. I guess it is hard to write about yourself. No one wants to sound as if they are bragging about their accomplishments. It is also difficult to admit one's failures. So really, what counts as a successful blog entry?
I have been so inspired lately, and searching for inspiration around every corner. I'm telling you, it is there if you look for it. I am so proud of my Grandfather who has lost 50 pounds recently, and also proud of a couple of my co-workers are on their own weight loss journeys.
Since my last blog entry in February, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. In the months of March and April I gained about 7 pounds, and I really let it get me down. I was supposed to be losing weight, not gaining.
I visited my cousin Dean in Fredericton around the end of April and he encouraged me to get back on track. I was determined to lose 10 pounds by the next time I had seen him. As soon as I got back from Fredericton, I made it my goal to exercise at least a half hour a day and eat more of the healthy foods that really nourished and recharged my body. Guess what folks? It worked! I fell in love with exercise all over again and I was starting to notice changes in my mood and sleeping patterns.
As of today I have lost 51 lbs. It is slow going, but I am doing this my way and the way that works for me. My goal is to lose 10 pounds this month and 10 pounds the next. I know it is an ambitious goal, but it is attainable. I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer holds.
I can't wait to go for a walk, do yoga, go swimming, road trips, etc. But most of all, I can't wait to live my life. The more healthy I become the more excited I am about life.
You have got what it takes to get healthy and start living again. I draw strength from my friends, and from God to help me get through this. But unless you are determined in your mind to make a change, no one else is going to do the work for you. Take it from someone who knows and has been struggling with this her whole life. I have finally found something that works for me.
"You've got what it takes you can win. Today is your day to begin. If you know that you can than you will get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb, you've just gotta make up your mind"~ S. Twain
Friday, February 11, 2011
Valentine's Day Woes
February-one of the most difficult months of the year, especially for those of us who are single. I, for one have to endure Valentine's Day (a day that I despise) and a week later, I turn 25. Birthdays are always difficult for me. I usually end up depressed for an entire week. By the time February is over, let's just say I am ready for March.
I hate to keep bringing up the same old thing, but I'm very frustrated about the same old things. God says we are to count our blessings, but it's easier said than done.
Ever notice that everyone reminding you to count your blessings is usually married, with children and a slightly fulfilled life?
I know I have been blessed beyond what some people have. There is always something to be thankful for if I look hard enough. But what I really want more than anything right now is something that I just don't have.
I reached my 40 pound weight loss. It has been a long time coming, and believe me I've struggled with it. The past couple of days, i haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise. I am so anxious for spring to come, with warmer weather, bare grounds and a source of energy that comes with the change of seasons.
It would be nice if I could say losing weight is easy when you put your mind to it, but it's not. It's like any lifestyle change. When someone quits smoking, they usually quit and start again several times. A recovering alcoholic can easily slip back into her old habits without so much as a thought. The only difference with a food issue is that the whole world can visibly see your addiction. A smoker or alchoholic can hide their vices, as long as they keep to themselves when indulging. But my excess weight is there for all the world to see. How shameful is that!
I have a serious problem, and it's not just about stuffing my face because I like the taste of a hamburger. Eating is a way I have learned to deal with my emotions. It's easier to bury myself in a bowl of ice cream than to tell someone how I really feel. Every time a guy has broken my heart in the past, I have turned to food. That is partly why I am scared to date again, and open up my heart. What if things go bad and I start to turn to food? Then all of the work I have done will be pointless.
A good friend once told me that Valentine's day can be about celebrating anyone you love, and doesn't have to be about a significant other. So, I decided that I would celebrate my friends and my family, and also my new lifestyle. I have made some major turning points in my life this year, and I don't intend to go back to the way they were.
Last year, and the years before (especially 2009), my opinion of myself was very low. I had so much self hate in the past, that I would have dated anyone. I would have done anything for any guy just so that I could be loved. Now all of that has changed. Learning how to love yourself and have a healthy self esteem is something that money can't buy. Knowing that you are worth the effort it takes to exercise, eat healthy and take better care of yourself, is priceless. These feelings of self-worth don't come overnight, and I know I have far to go, but I can sense a change in myself.
God has helped me realize how important I am as his child. God has shown me so much love, kindness and patience, and has never given up on me. He has also blessed me with special people in my life that love me no matter what. Life is good, even as a single on Valentine's day.
God Bless!!
~H
I hate to keep bringing up the same old thing, but I'm very frustrated about the same old things. God says we are to count our blessings, but it's easier said than done.
Ever notice that everyone reminding you to count your blessings is usually married, with children and a slightly fulfilled life?
I know I have been blessed beyond what some people have. There is always something to be thankful for if I look hard enough. But what I really want more than anything right now is something that I just don't have.
I reached my 40 pound weight loss. It has been a long time coming, and believe me I've struggled with it. The past couple of days, i haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise. I am so anxious for spring to come, with warmer weather, bare grounds and a source of energy that comes with the change of seasons.
It would be nice if I could say losing weight is easy when you put your mind to it, but it's not. It's like any lifestyle change. When someone quits smoking, they usually quit and start again several times. A recovering alcoholic can easily slip back into her old habits without so much as a thought. The only difference with a food issue is that the whole world can visibly see your addiction. A smoker or alchoholic can hide their vices, as long as they keep to themselves when indulging. But my excess weight is there for all the world to see. How shameful is that!
I have a serious problem, and it's not just about stuffing my face because I like the taste of a hamburger. Eating is a way I have learned to deal with my emotions. It's easier to bury myself in a bowl of ice cream than to tell someone how I really feel. Every time a guy has broken my heart in the past, I have turned to food. That is partly why I am scared to date again, and open up my heart. What if things go bad and I start to turn to food? Then all of the work I have done will be pointless.
A good friend once told me that Valentine's day can be about celebrating anyone you love, and doesn't have to be about a significant other. So, I decided that I would celebrate my friends and my family, and also my new lifestyle. I have made some major turning points in my life this year, and I don't intend to go back to the way they were.
Last year, and the years before (especially 2009), my opinion of myself was very low. I had so much self hate in the past, that I would have dated anyone. I would have done anything for any guy just so that I could be loved. Now all of that has changed. Learning how to love yourself and have a healthy self esteem is something that money can't buy. Knowing that you are worth the effort it takes to exercise, eat healthy and take better care of yourself, is priceless. These feelings of self-worth don't come overnight, and I know I have far to go, but I can sense a change in myself.
God has helped me realize how important I am as his child. God has shown me so much love, kindness and patience, and has never given up on me. He has also blessed me with special people in my life that love me no matter what. Life is good, even as a single on Valentine's day.
God Bless!!
~H
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thoughts for December's Beginning
God gives us memories so we can have roses in December~ JM Barrie
I am trying to trust God in all aspects of my life. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Family and friends, a job, a roof over my head, and a beautiful country to live in. He has taken care of me thus far, so why shouldn't I expect the best from him in the future?
I just get to thinking of how my life is drifting away and how I am STILL not married and still have no children. I keep reminding myself there is more to life than that, but there really isn't. I am not meant to be a career woman and I never will be. All I ever wanted for myself since I was a child was to be a wife and mother first and foremost. Since that didn't happen when I turned 19, I decided I had to do something with my life and support myself because a rich man just wasn't going to fall into my lap. So I went to college and took "Human Services". What does that mean anyway? I was unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn't even sure I was taking a course that I would like. Infact, I was very uneasy about the whole thing.
College helped me grow up in many ways. Even though at times I daydreamed during class that I would meet a nice Christian guy and get married by graduation day, I enjoyed my classes. I really learned alot, not only from my instructors, but from friends I met along the way.
As surprising as this might sound, I graduated at age 21 not married. I invited the guy I was "seeing" at the time to go to my grad ceremony but he wouldn't go because he had to prepare for his prom the next day.
Strangely enough, I dated in college, but they weren't the men God would have for me. I learned that the hard way, but I don't regret anything. I have decided not to regret any of my past loves. We all make mistakes in this area. Since my last breakup I have guarded my heart. I fall too quickly. Each time it is harder to get back up. In the past 3 plus years since Mr. Dean, my last real boyfriend, I've had a couple of interests, but nothing serious, and nothing promising.
I am starting to get frustrated. Why am I so obsessed with this? I suppose you could call it sinning because instead of trusting God and being thankful for what I have, I am putting my focus on what I don't have. Thus causing me to be depressed. God doesn't want his children to stress over things, but I am only human.
I often wonder, why was it so easy for my friends to find the love of their life? Why did I have to endure heartbreak after heartbreak, and in the meantime attend their weddings and put on a happy face. I was so happy for them. I just got sick of hearing, "Some day it will be your turn," almost as if they had to convince themselves, and not me.
Then I think about the positives of not getting married early in life. I've gotten to spend more time with my friends. I have had more opportunities to travel. I know how to manage money, pay bills, etc. So the same type of responsibilities won't come as a shock to me as it would a "young" person. The type of work that I do as a residential care worker prepares me to deal with behaviors and such (which might come in handy when I have children some day).
I also think that having to wait and rely on God to help you find your spouse is a true test of patience and faithfulness. When Mr. Right-for-me comes along, I will appreciate him so much. God is ever faithful and he never lets us go through a trial that we can't handle.
This started out as a weight loss blog, but it turned into so much more. Blogging and journalling are ways of coping with stressors and events in my life. In my last entry I stated that I wanted to try jogging. Well, I have succeeded with that. I attempted jogging a mile yesterday, and I jogged nearly 2 miles. I still have it in me, but with the cold weather coming I think I will stick to walking and my yoga DVDs.
My Grandfather and I made a deal with each other that we would both lose 20 pounds by the time he has surgery on January 13th. This is going to be difficult with the Christmas season upon us, but we are both bound and determined to reach that goal. A week from today I will blog about my week, whether it was successful or not.
Until next time, thanks for reading! Remember God is good, even when we aren't. ~H
I am trying to trust God in all aspects of my life. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Family and friends, a job, a roof over my head, and a beautiful country to live in. He has taken care of me thus far, so why shouldn't I expect the best from him in the future?
I just get to thinking of how my life is drifting away and how I am STILL not married and still have no children. I keep reminding myself there is more to life than that, but there really isn't. I am not meant to be a career woman and I never will be. All I ever wanted for myself since I was a child was to be a wife and mother first and foremost. Since that didn't happen when I turned 19, I decided I had to do something with my life and support myself because a rich man just wasn't going to fall into my lap. So I went to college and took "Human Services". What does that mean anyway? I was unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn't even sure I was taking a course that I would like. Infact, I was very uneasy about the whole thing.
College helped me grow up in many ways. Even though at times I daydreamed during class that I would meet a nice Christian guy and get married by graduation day, I enjoyed my classes. I really learned alot, not only from my instructors, but from friends I met along the way.
As surprising as this might sound, I graduated at age 21 not married. I invited the guy I was "seeing" at the time to go to my grad ceremony but he wouldn't go because he had to prepare for his prom the next day.
Strangely enough, I dated in college, but they weren't the men God would have for me. I learned that the hard way, but I don't regret anything. I have decided not to regret any of my past loves. We all make mistakes in this area. Since my last breakup I have guarded my heart. I fall too quickly. Each time it is harder to get back up. In the past 3 plus years since Mr. Dean, my last real boyfriend, I've had a couple of interests, but nothing serious, and nothing promising.
I am starting to get frustrated. Why am I so obsessed with this? I suppose you could call it sinning because instead of trusting God and being thankful for what I have, I am putting my focus on what I don't have. Thus causing me to be depressed. God doesn't want his children to stress over things, but I am only human.
I often wonder, why was it so easy for my friends to find the love of their life? Why did I have to endure heartbreak after heartbreak, and in the meantime attend their weddings and put on a happy face. I was so happy for them. I just got sick of hearing, "Some day it will be your turn," almost as if they had to convince themselves, and not me.
Then I think about the positives of not getting married early in life. I've gotten to spend more time with my friends. I have had more opportunities to travel. I know how to manage money, pay bills, etc. So the same type of responsibilities won't come as a shock to me as it would a "young" person. The type of work that I do as a residential care worker prepares me to deal with behaviors and such (which might come in handy when I have children some day).
I also think that having to wait and rely on God to help you find your spouse is a true test of patience and faithfulness. When Mr. Right-for-me comes along, I will appreciate him so much. God is ever faithful and he never lets us go through a trial that we can't handle.
This started out as a weight loss blog, but it turned into so much more. Blogging and journalling are ways of coping with stressors and events in my life. In my last entry I stated that I wanted to try jogging. Well, I have succeeded with that. I attempted jogging a mile yesterday, and I jogged nearly 2 miles. I still have it in me, but with the cold weather coming I think I will stick to walking and my yoga DVDs.
My Grandfather and I made a deal with each other that we would both lose 20 pounds by the time he has surgery on January 13th. This is going to be difficult with the Christmas season upon us, but we are both bound and determined to reach that goal. A week from today I will blog about my week, whether it was successful or not.
Until next time, thanks for reading! Remember God is good, even when we aren't. ~H
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xoxo
Sassy (Summer 2009)
