Only If

"Only if you want to, you can seize the day" ~ Enya

When you really want to make a change in your life, you will do it. Dr's will tell you that you should drop a few pounds for your health. Some friends will say you are just fine the way you are. Other true friends will tell it like it is. "You need help, and I will be there for you every step of the way." I am thankful for my true friends, who support me on my journey. I am also thankful for my Mom, not only is she my mother, but also my best friend. She encourages me every day. Also for my Grandmother, who has been brutally honest with me about my weight my entire life. I wish I had taken her advice years ago. My friend Courtney is also a huge help to me. Her philosophy of "tough love" when it comes to exercise, has inspired me to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go. Regardless of the support from friends, family and very importantly, my Savior Jesus Christ, I could never lose weight unless my heart and mind were both in it. I could pray to God and ask him to magically make the pounds disappear, but that is not how he works today. Especially not when it comes to losing weight.

I have finally lost those 30 pounds and reached an obstacle that has been haunting me for weeks now. It was such a relief to me. I am trying not to focus on just the scales. It has taken me 7 weeks to lose those 30 pounds, but I worked hard for every single one. I took my measurements today. I have lost 6 inches in total from my waist.

This is a slightly smaller entry than before, but I wanted to post my success story for today. I see myself in a totally different light. I am much more confident, and happy. I can't wait to see myself as a well-rounded individual and not simply "round". =) Until next time....

The Climb

~There's always going to be another mountain~. I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan by any means, but those words from one of her recent hits really strike a chord with me. Anyone who has attempted losing weight; whether it be 200 pounds or 20 pounds, knows there are definite obstacles along the way. It almost feels as if you are climbing a mountain and each step leaves you anxious, anticipating what will be on the next horizon. Perhaps your mountain seems too tall to climb at the time. Perhaps your mountain is small, and you can see the end, but yet it is just out of your reach by a couple of feet. Either way, mountains can be frustrating. But when you reach the top, it feels fantastic. You stand at the top of your mountain, with the sun shining in your face, the wind blowing through your hair, and the glory of victory in your heart. It is the greatest sense of accomplishment. And you knew it was all worth it in the end. All of the blood, sweat and tears were just stepping stones on your journey. Each stepping stone getting you closer to your goal, the top of that mountain.

I have managed to get a pretty good grip on my mountain.

Twenty-seven pounds lighter, I can now say that I walk with more ease. I can say that those stairs are getting easier to climb. I can say that I have lost 4 inches off my waist, and at least 12 inches over all. Now that, my friends, is something to be proud of. I will accept each accomplishment, however great or small as success in my journey.

I have been hovering around the thirty pound mark for the past couple of weeks. It seems as if I have hit my first plateau. They all told me this would happen. I figure that every thirty pounds I lose, I will experience the same thing. It is extremely frustrating how close I came to losing thirty two weeks ago. But what happened? I let the mental game take control of me. I stressed myself out to the point that I wasn't sleeping because my first thoughts when I went to bed consisted of "What if I don't hit thirty this week? I will look like a fool. Everyone will think I have given up." Those thoughts played over and over in my head until I was starting to get sick of hearing myself think. So, I shut myself up with food. I didn't turn to junk food as I normally did, but I would sneak an extra piece of bread here and there. Things like that. I can't believe that after nearly a month with such good results I still went partially back to my old habits. Such is life, old habits die hard.

Today, on May 28th, 2010, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on the numbers on the scale. I am so much more than a number on a scale. Why should I judge myself based on a number? My whole life I have felt judged because of my weight. Yet, I will judge myself based on the same thing, and it's not right. Losing weight is not a diet. It is not a fad that can come and go as it pleases. It is a lifestyle change. It affects a person not only physically, but also mentally, spiritually, socially, YOU get the picture don't you? Need I say more? As the pounds disappear so do small thoughts of self-loathing. I wish I could turn back the clock and start loving myself the way I should at a younger age, but what's done is done. I can only look at the present and to the future.

Losing Hope Poem

I wrote this poem depicting as accurately as I could how I felt a month ago. It might sound depressing, but that is the point. I wanted to get my feelings out in the open as opposed to eating them the way I used to.

~Losing Hope~


I close the blinds, I shut the door.
To the world I am recluse.
I just can't take it anymore,
Try? Well, what's the use.

No one knows the pain I feel,
Those thoughts down deep inside.
The horror is far too real,
My misery I must hide.

To feel like such an outcast
In a world so confusing,
Is like a constant battle,
Which I fear that I am losing.

Won't someone take me away?
I simply don't belong
This possibly could be the day
I right all that is wrong.

The journey will be long
As to that place I go.
Where i can sing my own song,
And no one has to know.

I feel just like a shadow
Living someone else's life.
This constant shame and sorrow,
Has caused me so much strife.

Can someone take me away,
To that place where all is fine.
A home where I can stay,
& happiness is mine.

Maybe some day I will see;
In time it will all be clear.
If there is a way for me
To face the things I fear.


(to be continued)

April 2010

Something has to change. I have never felt so miserable in my entire life. I'm having success at work, saving money, and trying to get my priorites straight. But the one thing I can't seem to conquer is my weight. It's like a brick wall that no matter what else I do, I can't be happy because I can't get past it. After a shift at work, I am in so much pain that I can hardly move. I don't sleep at nights. Everything just keeps piling up. It is getting embarrassing to be short of breath from walking up 2 simple flights of stairs.

My weight has been a constant issue with me. When I was 8 years old I started to notice I was chubby and most of my friends were quite thin. I used to ask my Mom why I was so fat. I just couldn't understand it. I dealt with depression for much of my young life. No one ever really knew how unhappy I was.

Things started to get worse in my teens. Instead of losing all of that baby fat, I accepted myself as being overweight. Hoping, that some day I would magically be thin and this nightmare called life would go away. I longed for true love to come my way, but I always thought to myself "Who's going to love a fatty like me?" It really affected the way I handled my relationships. It seemed as if I was constantly running or finding an excuse to break up with someone. In turn, i ended up dating the wrong men because I felt I didn't deserve the right one.

At age 24, I am starting to feel old. At 24, I should be living life and I should be loving life. Instead of sitting at home wishing I was out living life, I have decided today, on Easter weekend to do something about my situation.

My cousin and good friend is going to be helping me with my journey. I will be reporting to her my meals and my exercise, and my thoughts on this journey to getting healthy. It is time to face the truth and face all of these issues that have been haunting me. The fact that I am obese is not simply "I love to eat". No, it goes way deeper than that. Anyone else who struggles with their weight understands this. I hope to get to the real issues of why I eat when I eat. I hope to be able to deal with stress in different ways, other than eating 2 burgers and french fries from McDonald's on the way home from work.

I will be keeping everyone posted on my blog "It's my life". The reason I have titled my blog this way, is because I am doing this for me. In the past, I have tried to lose weight to make other people happy. This time it is about me and my health..and a happier life.